Buonanotte Fiorellino: The complete Oxford dictionary for East Africa (Part II)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

The complete Oxford dictionary for East Africa (Part II)

Chapter IV: Food

Pizza Margherita: Thick pancake with lumpy bolognaise sauce and carrots.

Chicken with fries: Chewy hen with cinnamon and boiled french fries.

Beef with chilly and fried rice: Knee with onion and cooked rice.

Fish in g-nut sauce with rice: Bones, scales, head and eyes hidden in an unrecognizable pink stew with sand.

Chapter V: Internet

Your first thought would probably be that it is slow. Well, you're right. But to say that would be a gross understatment. The operating speed of any average internet café would blow any western mind into an uncontrolled raging frenzy. You might have seen the legendary youtube clip of that poor demented kid who goes bananas with his poor lagging 80's computer. I am gradually starting to understand the working factors behind that uncontrolled outburst.

Let me bring forth a covering example. Back home I'm used to downloading a movie of about 750MB in well under 15 minutes. In Rwanda it took me the better part of three days downloading the installation file for AVG antivirus. The file was 6.8MB. Starting to feel my frustration yet?
Let's give you another one. 4 out of 5 internet cafés have never heard of the service they so bravely advertise for, and by service I mean the internet.

Chapter VI: Greetings

In western (I was this close to writing civilized) countries, a meeting between two human beings usually plays out like this:

Charles: Have you ever.... If it isn't my fine friend William.
William: Well hallo chap! How do you do this fine morning?
Charles: Oh, you know. Can't complain. And yourself?
William: Not bad. Not bad.

In East Africa however, it plays out a little different. To be frank, there is a difference between a meeting between two locals and one between mafrica and mzungu. I will now be presenting some examples of the latter. The formula has a few varieties:

Twalib: Mzungu!
Charles: ...?
Twalib: Money!

Twalib: Where are you going?
Charles: To my tent.
Twalib: Why?
Charles: Because that is where I sleep at night.
Twalib: Where is it?
Charles: At my campsite (as if I would tell you, crazy lunatic).

Twalib: Give me money (or any item you might or might not be carrying)!
Charles: Where is William? Sigh!

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Two birds

Travelling on a one way ticket to places we never really thought existed.

Bird X: Personally I like to think of myself as an accomplished human being. I'm over average funny, multilingual and have a slender body perfectly adapted to climbing trees. My only flaw must be that one tire of tight packed fat surrounding my bellybutton.

Bird Y: Where to begin? Am I even entitled an opinion on myself? I drink too much, my clothes smell like garlic dipped goat cheese and I always wake in a pond of my own saliva. I do like to think I have a talent for cooking Thai food though.

Tales of idiocracy

Maria: I wonder if those weights really are made of gold.
Jesper: They have to be, if they used them to weigh gold!

Jesper: Sorry. Do you know how far it is to Mango Drift?
Malawian: Oh, it is too far.
Jesper: Right. But do you know how far?
Malawian: Yes, it's about 5 square kilometers.
Jesper: You mean kilometers?
Malawian: No, it is 5 square kilometers.

Kid: Give me ball. Give me penn. Give me candy. Give me ballooni.
Maria: Does it look like I have a balloon?
Kid: Give me money?
Jesper: Give me a ******* break!

Jesper: When I give you fruit it's polite to say 'thank you'.
Kid: What?
Jesper: I say 'you're welcome', you say...
Kid: Banana?

Lord: I like listening to indians negotiating with prostitutes. 'Why you very expensive? You enjoying, I enjoying. You pay half, I pay half.'

Maria: Could we have some ketchup?
Waiter: No.
Maria: You don't have ketchup?
Waiter: No.
Maria: So we can't get ketchup?
Waiter: Yes.
Maria: You do have ketchup?
Waiter: Yes.

Jesper: Casablanca?
Maria: Yes, it's a city in Morocco.
Jesper: Oh, so that's where it's set?
Maria: Yes.
Jesper: I always thought it was the name of a horse in the movie or something.

Jesper: You know where we can find the Downtown Bar?
Rwandese: Notre Dame?
Jesper: What? No, the Downtown Bar!
Rwandese: Ah, Mount Everest.

Eric: Do you like music?
Jesper: Yes.
Eric: I like rock'n roll.
Jesper: Me too. What are your favourite bands?
Eric: Kelly Clarkson and Maroon 5.

Waiter: Something to drink?
Jesper: Yes, we would like two passion fruit juice.
Waiter: There is two kinds of juice.
Jesper: Yes, we want two passion fruit juice!
Waiter: You can choose between pineapple and passion fruit juice.
Jesper: Passion fruit! We want passion fruit!
Waiter: Your welcome.

Maria: We're not really religious, we believe in science.
Ali: Oh, like muslims.

Norwegian: Hi.
African: Fine.

Jesper: Sorry? Do you know where we can get a taxi?

Woman: Taxi?

Jesper: Yes. Do you know where we can find one?

Woman: Who is taxi?

Odin: Do I get fries with my chicken?

Waiter: No.

Odin: Do I get anything with my chicken?

Waiter: No.

Odin: So, it is only chicken?

Waiter: Yes.

Odin: Do I get rice with my chicken?

Waiter: Yes.

(The chicken was served with fries)

Evarret: Let me ask you a question in form of a question.

Maria: I think it was a woman with a sick child.

Julius: Oh... So does anyone want tea?

Julius: One couple had 69 children?

Jesper: It's the world record, but those guys are not normal.

Julius: Psychopaths.

Werner: Black, white, yellow or green. Inside we are all akkurat the same.

Kid 1: We are going to the dam.

Kid 2: We are going to the swimming.

Kid 3: I want to dance.

Jesper: I'm sure I told you.

Maria: No... Yeah, you did. But I didn't hear you,

Politician: We hired special english teachers to collect the L's and R's.

Philip: Why, I ask myself? Why are all the dictators only in Africa. Why? Why?

Rosbella: We have more than enough food.

Odin: And we have an excellent cock.

Jesper: You can just reinstall your computer. It doesn't have anything to say.

Mwafrika: Do you know ham?

Ida: Of course.

Mwafrika: Did you know he was the first to land on the moon?

Odin: You know Andreas Torkilsen takes 170kg in bench? But he doesn't look so big.

Philip: Oh, but he doesn't look so big.

Odin: Yes, but he's strong.

Philip: But he doesn't look so big.

Odin: Yes, I know. But he's strong.

Philip: But he doesn't look so big.

Ida: Hvor er Julius?

Odin: There he is! He's being laid by the police officer!

Philip: Look, there's something crossing the road. It's ether a dog or a cow.

Odin: Four people arrived on a motorbike. Three of them where carrying the third one.

Ida: I've got a sunburn.

Julius: Oh, where did you get it from?

Maria: So long, so far.

Silvia: Coming up in your life! Britney Spears releases her newest album 'Peaces of Hotdog' with the lead track 'Pissing on You and Everything You Love'.