The complete Oxford dictionary for East Africa (Part I)

Chapter I, Basic rules

1. Never assume. Ever.

2. People lie.
. 2.1. The price is a lie.
. 2.2. The direction is a lie.
. 2.3. The distance is a lie.
. 2.4. The ingredients are a lie.

3. Everything's negotiable.
. 3.1. The price is negotiable.
. 3.2. The direction is negotiable.
. 3.3. The distance is negotiable.
. 3.4. The ingredients are negotiable.

4. You're rich. Face it.

Chapter II, Dictionary

Yes: I have no clue where you're going, but I'm dying to take you there for an unreasonable price. My 5 seat taxi can easily take 10 or more.

Whistle: We allready have 24 unhappy looking guys in our 14 seat minibus, but we're happy to cram in a couple more for three times the regular price. By the way, the cabin smells like human excrements and every last window is rusted shut.

We go: Let's put you, your girlfriend and all your backpacks with a combined weight of around 50 kg on my death trap of a motorcycle. The traffic is petrifying and I only drive like a complete maniac.

Yes?: I have no freaking idea what you just said, but I'll just scribble down something completely random in my notebook while nodding frantically, hoping to leave the impression that I've understood your order. Hopefully you'll be to pissed off to complain afterwards.

No?: I can hear your answer loud and unmistakeably clear, but I'm a human goldfish and will continue to ask the same question without catching breath until you'd rather walk 5 km with a heavy backpack than ride on my bike, just to rob me of the pleasure.

Chapter III, Directions

Always bring a map. When you do not have a map in your hands and are forced to ask for directions, you will be mislead, lied to and sendt in the complete opposite direcion from where you ought to go. Here is a practical example to illustrate. Some subjective information has been added for additional depth.

1. [0 km] Bike shop employee: "Take your second right, go straight through the roundabout and just follow the signs. It shouldn't take you more than 10 minutes." Of course we forgot every single word as soon as we closed the door, so we argued a little and took our third right.

2. [1 km] Police officer: "It's just down this road." We highly doubted that, but chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. It didn't stop us from double checking right down the hill though.

3. [1.3 km] Gardener: "That way." (Pointing down an seamingly endless gravel road going downhill). According to our general sense of direction it was not far off, so we gave it a shot. This was the point where we should have considered picking up the map.

4. [2.5 km] Old man on bike: "Back up that way!" (Pointing up the gravel road that now was uphill). This was the point where Maria suggested we pick up the map. For some unexplainable reason I told her that we couldn't be far off and that we just should go on.

5. [4.2 km] Young man on bike: "Down there." (Pointing down a narrow gravel road twisting out of sight). At this point our butts were really starting to appreciate the hard leather bike seats. Having allready gone this far without consulting the map, we desided it would be a fun experiment to try reaching our destination by following the directions of local guesswork.

6. [4.8 km] Fat lady: "Oh, you have to go back up the hill you just came down from. Once you reach the tarmac road take a right." If it hadn't been for the sheer steepness of the narrow gravel road we now had to go back up, this might have been funny.

7. [5.4 km] Hotel employee: "Up to the roundabout, take a right and follow the road." This time at least we knew that we were being lied to. First of all, we had allready been down that obvious dead end. Secondly, her insecurity lit up her face like fireworks in a cupboard. You might ask yourself why people are handing out advice when they clarly have no freaking idea what they are talking about. Well that's a damn good question. Tell us if you find the answer.

8. [5.7 km] Policeman: "You should get a map." That was the first reasonable sentence we'd heard in the last hour and a half. Unfortunately, we were beyond that point now. "Take right before you reach the roundabout. You'll see the signs." Believe it or not, we sure didn't, but he was right.

9. [7.7 km] Guard at the gate: "It's right down this hill. It'll cost you 10,000." Entrance fees are also negotiable. "OK, make it 5000." Thank you very much.